When I Grow Up

Don’t look now, but I’m afraid I might be an adult. I don’t know when it happened. Actually, I’m not positive that it has happened. Every time I do something grown ups do, I half suspect someone is going to jump out from behind a bush and arrest me for impersonating an adult.

Interestingly, a lot of this feeling comes from the sneaking suspicion that this “living on my own” thing isn’t hard enough. Is the crisis just around the corner? When does the trial by fire begin?

Let’s recap some of the real world experiences I’ve accomplished. I managed to successfully get myself to another country. I found a flatmate and an apartment. I pay my rent and my bills on time. I pay my student loans and file my taxes.  I buy my own groceries and living essentials, and manage to feed myself on a daily basis (healthy eating is a different story). I go to work even when I don’t want to get out of bed. When my plumbing leaks or my washing machine won’t drain, I call the plumber. I can change a light bulb and troubleshoot my internet connectivity issues and repair the peeling veneer on my desk.

This life experience is "How much dignity are you willing to lose for corporate team building?"

So why do I feel like I’m faking it? I think part of it has to do with the amount of financial support I still get from my parents (real debt owed to them is bad enough; debt of gratitude is incalculable in real dollars). This is then complicated by the fact that I get paid in RMB, so when I look at my bank account I feel like Bill Gates. Then I divide my 6.5 and add in international wire transfer fees, and I feel a lot poorer.

The thing is, though, I’m not poor.  While bumming around the internet last week, I came across this great quote by Richard Beck in n+1 magazine:

 In the two years since I graduated from college, I’ve had a pretty good time being “broke” in New York … but sometimes I remind myself … I am not actually broke … The truth is that I inherited expensive tastes and moved to an expensive city, and sometimes I get cranky about not being able to buy what I want. (read the article, actually about music, here)

Now, I don’t live in New York and, if I compare cost of living expenses to America and not the rest of China, I don’t live in an expensive city. My rent is quite high by local standards, but converts to about 600 USD for a two bedroom apartment. I don’t really have to think about whether or not I can afford to do anything. Actually, if I wasn’t worried about saving money to pay my loans during my inevitable next period of unemployment, I would barely think about money at all. I’m not broke. I’m not even close. And, I feel like being broke is an essential part of being an independent, fresh-out-of-college adult.

In summary, I am not broke, because I make decent money and my parents don’t collect on my debts. Because I am not broke, life doesn’t feel too challenging. Because I am not crushed beneath the weight of insurmountable challenges, I feel like I’m faking this being grown up business. Ah, well. There’s nothing to be done about it except to keep doing it. That’s the thing about life: this is it. It’s happening now.

 If you’re interested in how other people my age are faring in general life, and how we feel about our lives and our future lives, I highly recommend this article on Autostraddle about the “Young, Underemployed, and Optimistic” report from the Pew Research Center.